In many ways right now, i am struggling to cope with the feelings that i have allowed seem to emerge from me.
For so long, i have been the strong person, the one who busies herself for so much of the time; managing everyone’s lives, controlling, doing things for people. By giving in acknowledging my submission in this way and by seeking to change the way i live my life, difficult and often unwanted feelings are breaking through.
i am happy to be seeing Graeme and to be experiencing the wonderful feelings that go with that. But i am truly sad about the loss of my relationship with hubby. Knowing it is the right thing to do and acknowledging that i no longer love him does not make it easy. This is an area i continue to need to take control in and as i give up that control in other areas that takes immense energy.
i am excited about going away on holiday next week, partly because i need the break and love to go to France, but also because Graeme is coming with me and that will be so much fun. On the other hand i am nervous about the reaction his other love, which i suspect might not be so positive. She and i are chatting more and while in the future we will probably be friends, understandably our feelings for each other more err on the side of jealousy in relation to what each of us has with Him.
It is a long time since i have felt jealous of anyone else in the context of love and relationships. Probably since my hubby had his affair when my son was a baby. But i do acknowledge that is what i feel. The fear i have of being abandoned, of being second best, of some how being excluded from something i want are all part of the jealousy i feel. Plus that jealousy is wrapped up in the loss i currently feel for my marriage. The happiness of others seems all the more prevalent when you feel as i do.
Other feelings include anxiety and uncertainty about the future. Can i really break free and form my own life? Will people continue to support me or will they turn against me? Can i continue to be strong when i need to be or will i just turn into a wreck?
Its not that i think anything bad will really happen to me, it is just that by acknowledging how i feel causes me to lose more of the self control i have so jealously guarded.
i need to go through this difficult time to become the person i want to be and to live my life in the way i need to. But that doesn’t make it easy. And yes, i have lots of support. But at times i still feel completely alone.