I previously wrote about the relationship that I have with hubby and how I found myself wanting to explore life outside my marriage here. I didn’t actually know that I would be interested in BDSM at all, but I know I was curious and had been for years. Occasionally on tv there is a programme which gives a hint of this kind of lifestyle. Sometimes they edge more towards the factual, showing something of the power dynamic, of the kind of sex that might be involved. Or more usually they depict a version of reality, wrapped up in crime fiction and as I now know, are give just a vague acknowledgement to reality. But about a year ago, I began to read. Firstly I looked at websites – those offering information and forums, then at blogs. At the same time I began to chat online, something I have done before. This time though I attracted perhaps a different type of man. And I found it quite a thrill.
I have kind of , actually chatted online quite a bit and have also met a couple of men before. Chatting and then meeting Sir was different though. This is the first time I have met someone with the intention of having sex and what is more, knowing that the sex we had would be perhaps a little different. I knew with Sir that I was starting something very different, that there would be a power dynamic and that He would be pushing my limits. I was nervous but I had my eyes firmly open. I really wanted this.
I think know that hubby would like to do some of the things with me that I do with Sir. He would like to spank (he has spanked me a bit actually), and he loves me to dress up. He definitely would like to explore anal, though we never discussed this until he had found my butt plug. The problem though is that I have discovered that I want to be submissive in a relationship and at best hubby is a switch. He struggles to be dominant and definitely couldn’t be dominant consistently. I don’t want to discuss limits with him, I don’t want to let him into this world that I am exploring.
This week he has stated that: ‘you are meant to be my wife’. Yes this is true, I am meant to be his wife, and as such I guess he and the rest of society expects me to act differently. Yet when he starts to tell me what I am doing wrong, how I am treating him as the dumb one, the one who sits patiently at home (not that he does). I go into submissive mode, but not in a good way. I begin to feel like I want to run away, or to curl up in a corner. I do not feel empowered and I definitely don’t want to tell him my innermost thoughts.
His way of coping with all of this is to ponder on the sexual. To worry that he is not good enough in bed. To want me to dress up for him to give myself to him. But then, to inform me that I am just there to satisfy his desires briefly before he moves on. For a reason that escapes me, I dress up for him, we have sex and then I feel cheap.
So while Sir can make me dress as He wants, can humiliate me in public. He turns me on. I feel empowered somehow and certainly not cheap.
There is no turning back from this.
I know where this is going.
I don’t take it lightly.
But I am kind of ready to face reality.
I collected my son for the Easter holidays this afternoon. Usually his dad and I would have done this together, but dad is absent. I told son that things are not going well between me and his dad. He said he picked that up at Christmas, he asked if his dad is having a mid life crisis. I told him, that it is probably me that is having one, but didn’t quite come clean. I know that it won’t be long before I have to say more. I am prepared to say what I need to.