About me and this blogI am a woman in her 50's who discovered sex and kink later in life. Now a collared slave, I met my Master online and together we have embarked on a voyage of discovery. This blog details my daily life as a slave, but also as a working woman juggling various responsibilities. To Master I am 'this girl' His pleasing bitch. This is the third incarnation of my blog which I started in April 2012 as I embarked on this lifestyle. This blog isfor people who are over 18, it is not safe to view in a work environment. It is a place for adults, for people who are happy to read about sex and BDSM.
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There was a time when pretty much all posts on this blog were written in the third person. Each sentence that might have used the pronoun ‘I’ began instead with ‘this girl’ or ‘she’. This blog was about a personal journey, about being trained and about learning how to please and serve Master. Somewhere along the line, that part has been lost from this place.
Never writing in the first person became challenging. There were occasions that I seemed more appropriate and gradually I replaced she. This girl, the slave was lost from the conversation.
But perhaps it is time to bring her back. Perhaps she needs that aspect of her life to get back to the slave she wants and needs to be. There is, deep within this slave a yearning to reclaim the structure and the rules. To focus back on what was agreed at the beginning of our relationship and part of that is acknowledging that this slave has no specific name. That she should refer to herself not as I but to recognise her status as an object or possession.
He always refers to her as girl. She is without a name, she is His slave. She is good at complying with the requirement to refer to herself in this way during sex or a scene. Less so at other times. The blasé way in which this girl approaches her slavery has led to other lapses in behaviour and often in forgetting her place and role.
These include wearing underwear (it is often cold and anyway the middle-aged body needs support), not wearing the butt plug, not asking if clothing is required. This list could go on.
But there is no chance that this girl has completely forgotten that she is His slave.
Being His slave always
He is Master. She rarely thinks or refers to him as anything else. This girl thinks about Him constantly and does consider whether the actions she takes are something he would be happy with. This happens most often at work, a place where he is never with her. She often takes time to reflect and wonder what he would say if He had been present.
There are times each day when she touches the tangible symbols of slavery. The collar, the nipple jewellery and sometimes even the clitoral hood piercing. They serve as a constant physical reminder a way of grounding one’s self.
When Master and slave are out together there are rules that are always followed. He keeps control of any tickets or passes. He takes total control in restaurants, though there is often discussion about choices. Plus at any time there is ambiguity, or the potential for disagreement it is His word that is final.
Master is Master and slave is the slave. But this slave feels that now is the time to back to basics. Back to what was agreed at the beginning and back to blogging for its original purpose.
Going forward there will be more posts where the pronoun ‘I’ is not used.
It had been a busy week. Work was as frenetic as usual, and by Friday followed with daughterly responsibilities. When did it seem a good idea to become part of the social committee at my slimming club? After all, Friday afternoons with mum are stressful enough.
But by the evening the half a pound gain was behind me. Mum had been relatively restrained in Marks and Spencer’s. The traffic was kind. And yet.
Master showed me the new swing in the play room. Yes a swing. Thinking about it, he had made mention of the purchase the previous week. Somehow though, that knowledge had disappeared into the recess of my brain.
Kneeling before him as he demonstrated it’s finer points I sucked his cock and all seemed good.
But naked, exposed, sitting on the seat, I wasn’t sure who I was. Whether I was worthy of him. His slave or an imposter?
I wanted to love and enjoy his new toy but something made me want to curl up somewhere with a bottle of wine instead. Trying to distract me and turn me on, he licked my pussy, squeezed my nipples and stroked my clitoris. He used the words that usually make me melt; the ones that reaffirm our M/s dynamic. My head responded but something held me back. My body was unresponsive, he said otherwise but my brain told me so.
Memories of sex with my ex flooded my brain. Perhaps I am the frigid person he had exclaimed me to be. Maybe this past 3 years has been a dream?
Climbing down at Master’s request, we lay naked on the bed. We talked and we held each other. I don’t know the reason for my sudden freak out but know I am not frigid. I am the sexy woman Master loves, I turn him on, and please him. We love each other, and he certainly makes me horny. In the future we will have fun on that swing.
We moved on to christen the new jacuzzi bath. To have fun and to enjoy each other’s bodies. We drank sparkling wine together and talked about what might have been wrong. I came to the conclusion that if the bath had happened first events may have taken a different course.
I wanted so much to have a wonderful tale to tell about the swing and to have photos for Sinful Sunday. But rather than looking back on these memories as a failure I know that our love is not just about kink it is about being there for each other. About recognising when we need reassurance from the other.
The story about the swing in the playroom is still to be told along with the corresponding pictures. Just watch this space.
This morning this photo popped up on my Facebook timeline. A photo taken by Master, a year ago as I walked up the steps to board a plane. He posted it later and tagged me with the caption ‘Rear of the day’. I was amused and just a little flattered because a public acknowledgment that he finds me attractive appeals. Some may find this sexist, but coming from him it is something I like. I like the way I look in a pair of well fitting jeans, and love the way it shows off the contours of my bottom. At the same time, I like the way that they hold my wobbly bits in place. They give the impression I have a firmer, perhaps more youthful body than I have.
Do I feel sexy in them though? Well yes in a way because if I feel good and think I look good to others. But do I feel more sexy in jeans than in any other well fitting trousers or perhaps a short skirt? Then no. This is partly because I don’t think Master looks at it that way. He likes the look and feel of my bottom when it is on display in that way, but also likes to see my legs, or my cleavage or my bare back. He loves leather, and I have a feeling that he would find leather trousers more appealing than jeans. However, I am not convinced that they would be very forgiving to my figure.
Having said that, he likes me naked too. With everything hanging out. But naked is not a good look walking up the stairs to get on a plane and I don’t think anyone needs to see me naked on Facebook. Though plenty have seen me naked here.
The new bathroom is complete and so this weekend we have christened the whirlpool bath. Time to relax and unwind with a bottle of bubbles in the bubbles. Bath time indeed.
Don’t you just love the colour of the tiles and the very pretty mirror which has bluetooth speakers.
Life: dating, your body and more
1. What period of your life was the happiest? Why?
I am probably happier now than I have been at any time in my life. I enjoy my job, for all it is stressful. Master is a wonderful man who knows exactly what I need, he makes me happy and I love to serve him. We are able to travel and to have lots of fun times. My son is happy in his relationship and my ex is finally moving on.
2. True or False. If you want a successful date, take charge–take the lead. Why?
I guess it depends who the date is with. I hate to be out with someone who is indecisive. This has, in the past led me to want to take control. These days though, I prefer that I don’t take charge, which is just as well!
3. True or false: Males are aggressive and assertive, and women are nurturing. Explain your answer.
False. There are aggressive women and there are nurturing men and vice versa. These traits are not related to gender but to personality, and learned behaviours.
4. Is your body keeping you from a good sex life? How so?
My body is trying to do just that. The menopause is means that there are times when I am not as wet as I used to get and I can get sore during penetrative sex. Also, as previously documented I seem to have developed a problem with pain during vaginal sex. We are working through these things though and don’t let it get in the way of a good time.
5. Smiles. Do you have a sexy smile that is different from your regular smile. Post a pic of your sexy smile or describe it for us?
Oh, I am sure I have a different smile when I am giving Master the come on, or else during sex and play. I’ll have to ask him about it!
Bonus: May is Masturbation Month. Which of these is your best benefit from masturbating:
a. helps you to relax and/or fall asleep I don’t masturbate regularly any more. But this would be one of the best reasons to do so. Especially when I am all alone.
b. boosts self-esteem
c. combats erectile dysfunction
d. helps you know what feels good so you can tell your sex partner
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!
The strain of blogging
every nearly every day for the Blogging A-Z challenge left me needing a break. I am so enthusiastic at the start of these memes but time, bad planning and the challenge of obscure words can get in the way.
But it’s time to move on and get back to reality. The February Photofest and Blogging A-Z Challenges are behind me. Time to move on through the year, develop some discipline and post spontaneously. It’s 2 months since Eroticon and I still haven’t got around to making the changes I said I would. No space so far for fiction, and generally my creative juices are struggling to emerge.
Life around here has been pretty full on, what with work, family and social stuff. Add a holiday into the mix and stir in Master’s new bathroom* and you get the picture. Not that any of this is an excuse, since over all I am pretty lazy when not doing any of the above. *N.B He has people in to fit the bathroom, though I helped out in choosing accessories. There are still towels, bathmats and a little cupboard to be considered.
We are very aware of the need to instil a bit more fun and play into our lives. Plus of course sex. The joy of spending more time together this past couple of weeks has included time discussing how to inject energy into our relationship. Plus to rediscover things like anal sex, which we haven’t done for a while.
This week he bought me a leather bra. Something I can wear under my clothing or else on its own around the house. The leather is beautifully soft and comfortable to wear. Master has a real fetish for leather gear, well he just has a real fetish in reality! Summer is on the way, though it isn’t too warm around these parts yet. But the opportunities to get out an about and to have some fun are emerging. Plus he has promised more dungeon time for my birthday in August.
Lots to look forward to and hopefully the opportunity for fun and games on top of normal life.
Summer here we come!
X is for X-rated
Not really a word, but definitely at fact. This place is not safe for work, nor for the under 18. Over the years I have posted some pretty explicit photos, explored my sex life and kinks in flowery language. This kind of thing is not for all, and maybe in my early life it wouldn’t have been for me. Or would it?
I have never shied away from exploring my own or my partners body. I bought the joy of sex soon after I married, but without encouragement didn’t really follow through. Instead he brought home porn films which seemed corny and stupid to me. I guess what I wanted and needed was something a little more advanced and educated. But I was unable or unwilling to express my needs. If I had, perhaps things would have turned out differently.
Now though, we have the internet. I still prefer to read than to watch corny over the top porn videos. But I do love it when, on Tumblr I stumble across a clip of real life porn. The blonde bimbo, massively well endowed stud video is fine, but far removed from my life. I prefer to see an exert of real people having real sex for the joy of it. X rated, but generally not available in the shops.
Y is for year
As previously mentioned, this blog is now 5 years old. For this element of the post – Y for year I have explored my archives over that time. As you can imagine I don’t always post on 30th April but these are the closest:
April 2012 – This was my 3rd post and was written as I prepared to visit my then Dom. He was heavily into controlling what I would wear. As a concept this was something new and I loved the idea of him controlling that aspect of my life.
April 2013 – Rather than pick 29th which is the closest I have chosen the day before, 28th. It seemed that my ex, who I was still meant to have been living with had been away on holiday with a male friend. This is interesting since this turned out to be a lie and he was away with a woman. I was reflecting too on a day out with a local meet up group. This was a way of doing new things with new people. I didn’t continue to explore social groups for long, but it did help me on my journey and get me out of the house. Contact with the Dom wasn’t all that frequent. The title of the post is interesting; yes it defined my future but not in the way I imagined.
April 2014 – The relationship with S ended in early in January and within weeks I was seeing Master. At the end of April he was preparing to visit his then slave and I was finding life tough. Things with my ex were coming to a head, my son was home from university. The main problem though was jealousy. Her of me and me of her, not that I clearly understood that at the time. My relationship with Master was developing and hers was on a downwards spiral. Of course, the benefit of hindsight tells me that I had little or nothing to worry about, but of course I didn’t know that then!
April 2015 – A kink of the week post about Watersports. This is more Master’s kink than mine, but I can’t deny I do find it a turn on.
April 2016 – My final post for the Blogging A-Z challenge last year and a photo of the dreaded Zipper!
Z is for Zest
So with my usual perseverance in these matters I have reached the end. Z is for zest and the enthusiasm with which I face the future. It would be entirely true to say that I look forward to life outside work much more than I do my job. My career has been successful, especially in the past few years, but there is more for me now than that
I look forward to living with Master, to being the slave he wants me to be. I hope that I can focus more on that aspect of life. There are many places to which we wish to travel, there are things we wish to see and to do. There are books I want to read, information I wish to glean. Most of all though I have a life I wish to live.
I have a real zest for our life together.
It was all going so well. Catching up on the 30 day challenge wasn’t a problem when I was just a day behind. Then leading up to T and U I got myself ahead. I had every intention of continuing in this vein, but work and my social life took over so. Now as the challenge ends today 30th April I find myself requiring V, W, X, Y and Z to complete the thing. As with all of these things planning is the key and if there is one thing I am bad at, it is planning. Actually, no that’s not quite true. I plan well, but if planning includes much more than writing a list, then I am often scuppered. And with this thing, I didn’t even do that.
But I am no quitter (except for the 365 question challenge and 2016 February Photofest so perhaps I am) so here, briefly are V to Z.
V is for vaginismus
Just recently vaginal sex has become painful, and at times I mean really painful. It’s like that bit of my body just doesn’t want anything inside it. There have been times too when I am dry, this can easily be put down to the menopause, and with sufficient foreplay resolved. We can use lubricants for that, but haven’t needed to. Master is, well the master of foreplay and knows how to get my juices going. It might sometimes take longer but it happens. He can explore my body with his fingers, use his mouth and tongue. But as soon as his cock tries to push its way in my muscles seem to clamp shut.
I am not entirely what to do about this problem, but don’t think there is a physical problem with my body. I had a smear less than a year ago and all was good. There is no pain the rest of the time and no bleeding. Therefore it must be psychological. I am sure together we will explore ways of getting over this problem, but for now it is a real pain. Well in the vagina.
I am self diagnosing Vaginismus, but am not entirely sure.
W is for weekends
More and more I find week days an interruption of the pleasure of my weekends. My working week is 4 days, but in truth 3 would be better now. We try to balance travel and social activities with some down time. We find that if we are too busy then we get too tired for sex and play. But then if we don’t have much planned we tend to vegetate and then get little achieved.
One of the best things about weekends is that there is often the chance to get away somewhere. Frequently this necessitates a hotel stay (we have a low threshold for not returning home). Most recently we travelled to the south coast on Friday to see Master’s daughter in a university show.
These photos are perhaps the clearest indication of the way my life has changed over the past 3 years. They show how I can relax in a way I previously never could. They show a luxury I couldn’t previously enjoy and a happiness I wasn’t always privy to.
Now I just need to sort out one, hopefully little problem.
XY&Z to follow in the next post.